What I Will Teach My Black Son to Fear

In light of the senseless murder of 17-year-old Trayvon Martin in Florida by a self-appointed neighborhood watch captain, I am posting a column I wrote that was published in 2006 in the Chicago Sun-Times. Entitled "What I Will Teach My Black Son to Fear", it deals with the realities of raising children of color, especially boys, in this world where they are seen as suspects and guilty until proven innocent. As parents of African-American children, especially boys, we have to deal with the reality that our children's lives can be snatched away because of the perception of danger caused by the color of their skin. Even in the age of Obama, our sons can be hunted down, shot, murdered with only candy and iced tea on their person and the killer allowed to walk free--justifying shooting an unarmed teen as self defense and saying he was threatened.

When I look at Trayvon's handsome face, my heart is saddened because I see my son and my nephews. I am also saddened when I see photos of Blair Holt and Derrion Albert, two beautiful black boys who were killed by black boys who looked like them. When I see their mothers crying and see Trayvon's mother, my heart breaks because I know how much I love my son. My son recently turned 10 and as his parents my husband and I will have to teach him the hard facts of life as a matter of survival. As I wrote almost 6 years ago:

"Above all, I will tell my son to remember that he is a black man, and people will see him as a threat, sometimes by his presence alone. I will tell him that as a black man, he is the most loved and most hated person in America, praised on athletic fields, cheered for his musical skills, but far too quickly jeered, imprisoned, castigated and murdered."


December 10, 2006


If I must say so-- and I must -- my son Malik is cute and cuddly. He has a great personality and a charming smile. His father and I called him "ladies' man"as an infant because of his inclination toward women. He was a big boy when he was just 18 months old and often mistaken for an older toddler.

One day, my beautiful, black baby boy will be a black man -- probably a big black man. And one of the most important lessons I will have to teach him is how to deal with police and white women.

Every time I see a video of a black man being beaten by police, in my heart I fear that could someday be my son. When I hear a mother recounting her son being beaten by police officers, I fear for my son. I have seen too many videotapes of black men being beaten, read too many stories of black men killed by police, or shot multiple times, sodomized and brutalized. Will it be my son the police are slamming against a car? I wonder. Will my son be shot at 41 times and struck by 19 bullets, like Amadou Diallo, simply for pulling out his wallet? Or will he be shot dead on his wedding day, without explanation, like New York's 23-year-old Sean Bell?

If I warn him to be careful in his encounters with the police and to be wary of white women, I can't help but wonder if the latter makes me racist. Am I?

Black men are in a dangerous position

I am a realist. And the reality is that black men are in a dangerous position simply because of the color of their skin and our history of race-based hate crime, discrimination and the lingering perception of black men as sexual predators. The reality is that if my son should someday be caught in a compromising position with a woman who happens to be white, her word will probably carry much more weight and, in the end, he will be the criminal or the rapist, whether he did it or not.

Don't get me wrong. I love my white sisters. I am not anti-white. But I am pro-life, the life and well-being of my son. I am not anti-police, but I am for protecting my son and teaching him to survive in an America where racial undertones impact human relations, in an America where the social taboo against black men fraternizing with white women remains, in an America where the stereotype that most black men are dangerous criminals still exists.

I can't help but wonder if it would be a dereliction of my duty as a mother if I did not warn my son of these potential dangers. Just as I will tell him to look both ways before he crosses the street, I know I must also make him aware of other potential dangers. At the same time, I want him to see both the good and the bad in circumstances and people. For example, I don't want him to be afraid of cars. Cars are useful. He will drive one someday. But he must know that cars can also kill. Fire keeps us warm, but it, too, can kill you.

So I wonder if I should recount for him someday the Scottsboro case. Or should I show him the movie "Rosewood?" When he is old enough to stomach the photos, should I tell him about the fate of another Chicago boy, Emmitt Till, brutally murdered for allegedly whistling at a white woman? Or should I tell him about Marcus Dixon, a high school star athlete and honors student in Georgia who was accused of raping a white classmate and acquitted in 20 minutes, but was still sentenced to 10 years in prison for statutory rape?

I wonder if I should emphasize that my son's safety ultimately may not be a matter of avoiding certain types of people. but also certain situations. Truth is, getting caught in a compromising position with a black girl does not hold the same potential ramifications as being caught with a white one.

I'll give my son a set of rules

As for safety from the police, don't black cops, not just white ones, kill black men? Still, I can't help but wonder why I've never seen or read a story about a group of white or black cops who shot down a white man when he reached for his wallet or keys, or because they thought he might have had a gun. Our black boys and men seem to die with disconcerting regularity at the hands of cops with no explanation other than they matched the description of "a male black, average height, wearing dark clothing."

I think I'll drill into my son a set of rules, a guidebook to his dealings with both the police and the girls:

"Move slowly. Don't make any sudden moves. Speak politely and respectfully. Don't get smart, even if you're not doing anything wrong. It's still no guarantee, but it could greatly improve your chances of survival.

"Don't be in a room by yourself with a white girl. Don't go to any girl's house -- white or black -- when her parents are not home. Don't be stupid. When a woman says no, she means no."

Most loved/hated person in America

Above all, I will tell my son to remember that he is a black man, and people will see him as a threat, sometimes by his presence alone. I will tell him that as a black man, he is the most loved and most hated person in America, praised on athletic fields, cheered for his musical skills, but far too quickly jeered, imprisoned, castigated and murdered.

I also will teach him that love knows no color, but some people will hate him because of his. I will warn him against being part of a culture or crowd that believes the terrorization of women is fun and games. I hope to deeply ingrain in him a love and respect for women, no matter what color, to not simply see them as objects put on this earth for his satisfaction. I will teach him to treat all women the way he would want me, his sister, his aunts or his grandmother to be treated.

But for now, I will hug and kiss him. I will wipe his runny nose, fix his scrapes and chastise him for running through the house.

And, I suspect, I will watch with mixed emotions as my little boy's baby face one day sprouts peach fuzz, arousing my fears of far greater hurts to come than a scraped knee.



To listen to a podcast of this column and read an interview I did with the University of Illinois Laboratory High School newspaper about this article, click on the link below:
http://www.uni.illinois.edu/og/multimedia/2006/12/q-unis-monica-fountain-bringing

Top At the Well Postings for February 2012

Here are the top three At the Well postings for February 2012.

Tending Our Gardens: Got Fruit? 

What's the Big Deal?

What's Your Message: Speak Life

What’s the Big #$@* Deal

As I walked through the park to pick up my son from school one day, I heard a lady talking on her cell phone. I’m not one to eavesdrop on folks conversations but this woman was speaking loud enough for all to hear and what flowed from her mouth was a fountain of obscenities.


“F*** this and f*** that and I don’t give a sh***.”

You can fill in the blanks. Her end of the phone conversation would have put former governor Rod Blagojevich’s FBI taped conversations to shame in the use of profanity.

I looked around to see if any children were around the park and just shook my head.

I’m sick of the f-word, the f-bomb or whatever you want to call it. I’m sick of the assault on my senses—my ears and eyes—from a society that has seemed to have lost any sense of respect for others.

A grandmother was hospitalized after being assaulted at the beginning of this year at a Chuck E. Cheese in Dearborn, Michigan. Her offense? Asking a nearby table to please stop using profanity in front of her grandchildren. The result?

"She said, 'please don't use that language with children.' They told her to 'shut the f— up and turn around." according to one of the grandmother's family members. "That's when a man leapt at the table and started swinging. He punched her in the face and dragged her by her hair."

Even our political leaders use profanity in public, whether it is proclaiming as our Vice President Joe Biden did that passage of the healthcare bill was a “big *$%@ing deal.”  Or more recently, a local county commissioner was on the front page of my local newspaper for his profanity-laced response to a reporter questioning him about him being indicted by the U.S. Attorney's on tax fraud charges. The headline read, "Commissioner Beavers on U.S. Atty. Patrick Fitzgerald: 'F--- him' "

What’s your message? Speak Life

“Death and life are in the power of the tongue…” Proverbs 18:21

I talk to myself—out loud. It’s how I process things. But the truth is we all talk to ourselves every day.

We’re constantly talking to ourselves. We always are giving ourselves messages, interpreting our world and communicating to ourselves about our place in that world.

What messages are you telling yourself and what message are you giving the world about yourself?

Our words are reflections of our thoughts. Thoughts become words and words turn into actions. Words are the catalyst to actions. Words shape our reality. A war of words begins long before an actual strike is made in combat. Men die for ideas and those ideas are encapsulated in words.

Words are alive. Words have power. Words breathe and occupy space. God spoke a word and the world came into existence. When we speak we bring things into existence.

The Bible says that death and life are in our words. That’s power and also a great responsibility. Our words are like nuclear power. They can be used to destroy and maim or they can be used as a force to do good and provide service. The Bible says, “Reckless words pierce like a sword, but the tongue of the wise brings healing.” Our words can be weapons of mass destruction or instruments of healing to others and ourselves.

Too often we speak death instead of life. We give ourselves negative messages: I’m a failure. I’m ugly. I’m stupid. I’m too fat. I’m too skinny. I can never do anything right. Nobody cares about me. I can’t do it.

What is the tape that keeps playing in your head? The negative messages that we give ourselves tend to seep out and we spread that negative energy to others and affect them. There was a character named Glum in a cartoon I used to watch called “Gulliver’s Travels.” Whenever the group was trying to do something, Glum would say, “We’ll never make it.”

Be still for a moment and listen to your inner thoughts. What is your message? Are you like Glum? Is your mantra, “We’ll never make it.” Change your message and instead of speaking death, speak life. Change your message from, “It will never happen” to “I can do all things through Christ which strengthens me.” Change your message of “Nothing good ever happens to me” to “With God, all things are possible.”

As a man thinketh in his heart, so is he. And may I add, as he speaketh so it shall be.


Reflection Question:

Are your words agents of healing or weapons of mass destruction?

What is the most frequent message you give yourself?

Meditation Verses:

“Let the words of my mouth and the meditation of my heart be acceptable in your sight, O Lord, my strength and my redeemer.” Psalm 19:14

“From the fruit of his lips a man is filled with good things as surely as the work of his hands reward him.” Proverbs 12:14

“Put away perversity from your mouth; keep corrupt talk far from your lips.” Proverbs 4:24

“Pleasant words promote instruction.” Proverbs 16:21

“Pleasant words are a honeycomb, sweet to the soul and healing to the bones.” Proverbs 16:24

Application:

Write positive scriptures on note cards or post them on your wall or mirror. Read them out loud throughout the day or whenever a negative message starts to enter your mind.

Commit to fast a day from complaining and criticizing others and yourself. Commit to praising God, being thankful and complimenting others.

Maya Angelou on the Power of Words

My Father’s Prayers

The effectual fervent prayer of a righteous man availeth much. James 5:16

I’ve heard my father say many prayers over the years. As a PK (preacher’s kid), going to church was par for the course and hearing my father pray from the pulpit of the Morning Star Baptist Church was not a rare occurrence. It was a weekly event.

I heard him pray at wedding ceremonies, asking for God’s blessings upon the couple uniting. I heard him pray at baby dedications asking God’s blessings upon a new life. I heard him pray at funerals as he lay to rest parishioners at the end of their earthly lives.

But the two prayers of my father that probably impacted my life the most were never really prayed in church. One of them I heard almost every day. One of them I don’t think I ever heard him say out loud to me, but I know he prayed it. How do I know? He told me so. Because it was the same prayer that his father prayed for him and the prayer that he encourages others to pray for their children.

Before meals as we sat at the kitchen table to eat, my father always said, “The Lord will provide.” I remember some days as he sat at the table he seemed tired. Now that I am older I know where that weariness came from. It was the weariness of carrying the problems of his congregation, the load of praying for others, being an under shepherd to God’s people. It was the weight of carrying people’s concerns about their children, jobs, relationships and problems on his shoulder.

As a pastor, I saw my father sacrifice for others, those who attended our church and those who didn’t. He went to the schools and fought for a quality education for children because he knew that education would open doors of opportunity. He paid people’s bills out of his own pocket, knowing he would never see the money again. He woke up in the middle of the night to see about others and was there to comfort people at the most tragic and trying times of their lives. He prayed for and fought at school board meetings, the city council and corporate board rooms.

But when he retired, after years of standing up for others, nobody stood up for him when he was forced to stop teaching his noonday bible study and moved out of the church office of the church he helped to build and pastored for almost four decades.

“The Lord will provide.”

I couldn’t have understood it then, the pressure to compromise his integrity and sell out the people. The political powers that be that ran our town at the time and even other preachers told my father if you want your kids to go to college, you have to cow tow to the powers that be. But my father trusted in His heavenly Father and said I’d rather my kids be dummies than to lose my integrity.

“The Lord will provide.”

And God did provide for us. I went to college and studied abroad twice and my parents didn’t have to pay a dime for my tuition or board. My brother graduated from college and law school. And my father kept speaking the truth to power, even when some said he should just be quiet.

My father celebrates his 79th birthday today. As I get older I thank God for my father’s prayers.

His other prayer was that God would give me good friends. I see the importance of this prayer as I pray for my own children now. God’s Word says blessed is the man that walketh not in the counsel of the ungodly and that evil communication (bad company) corrupts good manners. As I read God’s Word and witness life for myself, I understand who we spend our time with and call friends affects the course of our lives. “He who walks with the wise grows wise, but a companion of fools suffers harm. (Proverbs 13:20)“. I thank God for blessing me with good friends.

I pray for my children. Before they go to school. In the living room on our knees. In a circle holding hands. In the car on their way to school. When I tuck them in at night. I have them pray--for themselves and others. I smile when my daughter says with excitement and amazement, “God is answering my prayers.” Mine too. One of them being that my children would love God with all their hearts, minds and souls, that they would fulfill God’s purpose for them and that He would provide for them all the days of their lives.

And that God would give them good friends.


What are you praying for your children? Do they know it? Do they see you pray? Even when they don’t see you, do they know that they are an object of your prayers? That you are interceding on their behalf to God?

Top At the Well postings for January 2012

Here are the top three At the Well postings for January 2012.

Baggie Books

"Marching and protesting are all well and good and often needed but what is absolutely necessary is that we take responsibility for our children’s education. " (published June 4, 2009)

Tending Our Gardens: Got Fruit?

"In our lives and in our churches is Jesus finding the fruit of the Spirit (Galatians 5:22-23) or the acts of the sinful nature: sexual immorality, impurity and debauchery; idolatry and witchcraft; hatred, discord, jealousy, fits of rage, selfish ambition, dissensions, factions and envy and drunkenness (Galatians 5:19-21)?" (published September 23, 2011)

Steps to Success in 2012: See it, Say it, Believe it, Build it

"In 2012, make a decision to step into your destiny every day with determination, redeeming the time." (published January 9, 2012)

What's Your Vision? Get Focused

“And the LORD answered me, and said, Write the vision, and make it plain upon tables, that he may run that readeth it.” Habakkuk 2:2

What’s your vision?

Few of us have 20/20 vision in the natural sense. I have worn glasses or contacts most of my life. In the morning the first thing I reach for are my glasses. Otherwise, the world is a little fuzzy around the edges. Things in the distance are hard to make out. I can function but not my full potential. For example, I wouldn’t dare attempt driving without the aid of corrective lenses. It would be dangerous for me and anyone in my path.

In the spiritual sense, some of our vision needs correcting.

Vision is the ability to see. It is also defined as a thought or concept formed by the imagination or a revelation.

In your life, what can you see? Are you seeing clearly? What do you imagine for your future? What is the revelation that God has given you about your purpose and how He wants you to use your gifts, passion and experience for His glory? Does your sight need some adjusting or correcting?

If you can’t see, how can you walk in your destiny? You stumble and bumble around in a blur—making out the vague outline but things never coming into clear focus.

Some of us are in dire need of a vision adjustment.

We have lost our vision which has been clouded by the distractions of life. We’ve lost clarity on who we are and the purpose God has given us.

What’s the best way to adjust your vision?

Focus.

When things are out of focus, it means we need corrective lenses or surgery to get things back in alignment so we can see clearly.

Our corrective lenses are prayer and God’s Word. Through prayer and God’s Word we can correct our vision and see who we are and clearly discern God’s purpose for our life. Through the corrective lenses of prayer and God’s Word, we receive instruction and encouragement.

If you’ve lost your vision or feel stuck in the pursuit of it, take some time to refocus. If you never had one, take some time to focus for the first time.

Application:

Focus on one thing at a time. After I started writing this posting, I saw an inspirational video message by Tyler Perry about focus. His words were right on time for me. Sometimes, especially as women, we multi-task and find ourselves juggling ten balls in the air at the same time. Sometimes it is unavoidable and necessary. You have to do laundry, cook dinner and help with homework simultaneously. But when it comes to reaching big goals, finishing large projects or focusing on our vision, we have to hone in on the one thing that’s most important. My husband often tells me, “Do one thing and get it done and then move to the next thing.”

What is your one thing? Identify it and get to work on it and don’t stop. Keep plugging away at it. As Tyler Perry said, plant that one seed and water it. God will give the increase.

Write the vision. Having a road map helps you get to your destination. If you get off track you can always refer to the map. Writing your vision gives you a road map. It will help you to focus on what your vision is and writing it will help you to focus and clarify your thoughts. Write your vision statement today.

Visualize. Do you want to write a book? Make the cover and put it where you can see it. Do you want to earn a degree? Make up a diploma with your name on it. Find a photo of how you want your body to look and put it on the refrigerator. Start to see not only in your mind but in a physical and tangible aspect what it is that you are working toward.

Pray and read God’s Word. Every day, whether it’s one minute or one hour, commit yourself to consistently seeking God through prayer and His Word for your vision and his revelation. I think too many of us, including myself, are guilty of underestimating the power of prayer. God said in his Word, if anyone seeks wisdom, let him ask and God said he would be more than willing to give it to you. Read His word so you know what to pray. Read his word for encouragement and wisdom. Pray back God’s word and memorize it so that it becomes a part of you. God wants to lead us and guide us. He wants to order our steps. One of the main ways that God speaks is through his word. But how can you hear him if you never listen?

Get focused and get busy and before you know it, you'll be seeing 20/20.

Steps to Success in 2012: See It, Say It, Believe It, Build It

"Without a vision, the people perish." Proverbs 29:18

As we enter a new year, we have a new opportunity. A new opportunity to fulfill the purpose that God has given us.

We start out the year with high hopes and in good spirits, but as the weeks go by our passion peters as plans don’t go as planned. Unexpected obstacles occur. Fear becomes a factor and prevents our progress. Negative naysayers prick our expectations, deflating our dreams and inflating our own fears as we start to rehearse in our minds all the reasons why we won’t succeed.

Whenever you are on a mission to fulfill God’s will and purpose, there will be challenges. The Bible says that our enemy wants to steal, kill and destroy. And he will use any tactic to achieve his goals including delay, discouragement and making you feel disqualified.

But most of the time, the biggest obstacle is ourselves. Our fears. Our focus on past failures. But God has not given us a spirit of fear and if any man be in Christ, he is a new creation. Old things have passed away, behold all things have become new.

In 2012, make a decision to step into your destiny every day with determination, redeeming the time. God will give you visions and dreams and the strength by His Spirit to walk in and fulfill his purpose for your life. Whatever your God-given goal is in 2012—a new career, quit smoking, lose weight, start a business, complete a degree—see it, say it, believe it and then build it.

See it

Without a vision the people perish. (Proverbs 29:18) Another translation of that verse says when people do not accept divine guidance, they run wild. (New Living Translation). If we do not have a vision for our lives we will run around wild and undisciplined with no direction. Without God’s direction, our possibilities and purpose perish.

Helen Keller famously said, “It is a terrible thing to see but have no vision.” Many of us have eyesight but we do not have a vision for our lives. Like the Israelites who first surveyed the Promised Land, we see ourselves as grasshoppers instead of the conquerors that God has called us. Ask God for his vision, his revelation, guidance, will and view of our life.

Application: Pray for God’s vision for your life. Create a vision board. Put the cover of your book, a copy of the diploma you want, other things that you want to see happen where you literally can see them.


Say it

 Once you see the vision that God has given you for your life, say it. Write it down. Tell trusted friends who can encourage you and keep you accountable. God said to write the vision and make it plain so you can run and not faint. (Habakkkuk 2:2) When you get discouraged, look at what you’ve written and remember where you’re going. Tell others so that it’s real and not just something in your mind.

Our words are powerful. God’s word brings things into existence that weren’t there before. God spoke a word and galaxies appeared. Jesus spoke and people were healed. If we confess with our mouth the Lord Jesus and believe God has raised him from the dead, we are saved and our eternal destiny changed. In the beginning was the Word and the Word was with God and the Word was God. (John 1:1).

Don’t just say what you’re going to do, but start confessing God’s word over your life. Let the words of my mouth and the meditation of my heart be acceptable in thy sight, O Lord, my strength and my redeemer. (Psalm 19:14) Say, “I am more than a conqueror through Christ”. Say, “I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.”

Application: Write down the vision God has given you. Write what you want to see happen in 2012. Write and memorize scriptures that will encourage you. Put them where you can see them and say them out loud. Tell 2-3 trusted friends your vision.

Believe it

Without faith, it is impossible to please God. (Hebrews 11:6). Believe that God is able to do exceedingly and abundantly above what we ask or think. (Ephesians 3:20) Believe even if things don’t go as you wanted or expected that God is faithful, that he loves you and has a plan for you and wants to give you a future and a hope. (Jeremiah 29:11)

Application: Pray that God will help your unbelief and increase your faith.

Build it

Get to work. Nehemiah was able to rebuild the walls of Jerusalem because “the people had a mind to work.” Seeing it, saying it and believing it mean nothing if you don’t do something. “All hard work brings a profit, but mere talk leads only to poverty. “ (Proverbs 14:23) God will bless the work of your hand. He will open up Red Seas but there’s no need to open up the sea if you’re still in Egypt. God will give the increase, but you have to plant something. Building is a process. It is done, step by step, brick by brick. A foundation has to be laid and built upon. God will establish the work of your hands (Psalm 90:17), but you have to work.

Application: Even if it’s a small step, do something every day. Set small achievable goals. Don’t try to run a marathon the first day. Just walk around the block. Get the help that you need. Find resources. Start. Rome wasn’t built in a day and your dream likely won’t either.

All of these steps are undergirded by prayer and planning. We have to do the internal and external work. Prayer provides direction, encouragement, motivation and information. Planning helps us to put our prayers into action.

In 2012, step into your destiny: See it, say it, believe it and build it.

Top At the Well postings for December 2011

Here are the top three At the Well postings for December 2011. Two of the top three were not written in the month of December but are actually earlier posts from September 2011 and 2009.  Since August my goal has been to post at least once a week and for the most part I have. During the month of November, At the Well had the 21 days of praise challenge on the At the Well Facebook page, so although not on the web site, I was posting every day in November on Facebook and it was a great blessing as we saw our praises turn  into prayer and a Facebook group become a community.

If this is your first time reading these postings, enjoy. If it's not the first time, enjoy again. And either way, please share them with a friend.

Peace and Blessings,
Monica

1. Baggie Books

My experience reading to my son's first grade class and important lessons for children and parents. (June 4, 2009)

2. Tending Our Gardens: Got Fruit?
Jesus is looking for fruit in the lives of those who call on his name. But are we producing fruit or just flowers? (Sept. 23, 2011)

3. The Ministry of Naps: Sometimes the most spiritual thing we can do is take a nap. (Dec. 8, 2011)